Monday, February 9, 2015

Getting it out there

In 2014 I did a lot of changing, I grew into a better version of myself at times and slipped back into bad habits or behaviors that wouldn't be deemed appropriate. I wanted to take a post and dedicate it to  this.. A lot of the reason is because I know things were said and done on my part, but I feel like not everyone -except twitter- knows how everything played out. I want to say that 2014 brought me closer to God than I've ever been, but that my behavior separated me from Him further and I'm now in the process of getting back to how close I felt to Him, but this post isn't for that right now.. it's for airing out. 

I was in a relationship shortly after being out of one, this is a trend for me. I've not gone a year of being single since I was 18/19. I'm not ashamed of this, some people need time.. I am weirdly one person who doesn't always need time.. but I probably did at that time. A four year relationship had ended about 4 months previously and here I am sitting at work talking to this person who seems to be perfect. We had a lot in common! Backgrounds, aspirations, goals etc.. I didn't listen to my dad who probably summed things up perfectly: 
"as you go through life, you will meet people and realize the world is a lot smaller than you thought. Do not date or be with someone based off of all the "similarities" because that's not what counts" 
At this point in my life I should really just listen to my dad since he seems to be right a lot of the time, but in true Acacia fashion I didn't and it bit me in the butt later on. So from November/December of 2014 I poured myself into this new relationship, I dreamed with him and talked about what I want out of a relationship/future and he seemed to agree with me. It wasn't until February that I started to see this persons true identity.. I think it was right around the time that I was saying things like "come over!" and he'd show up 2-4 hours saying that I didn't give him a specific time. For those who don't know, I'm a timely person.. I don't call someone and say "come over" if I don't mean right then. Ask anyone. 
It was also around this time that I started feeling a tug of doubt in my heart/gut that I really should've listened to. Much like my dad, my heart/gut have a tendency to be correct about people and relationships.. but being stubborn I decided to stick it out. After awhile I discovered numerous things about him that I didn't like; talking to ex's, lying to people and saying my accomplishments were his.. that irk'd me to no end! Not defending me because he had to "tread carefully" when his friends were calling me names and talking badly about me, taking hours to do anything.. taking months to get a new job.. just all these things that I really tried hard to work through, but in the end I couldn't. We fought. Behaviors I brought up to him were turned around on me. I was made to feel like I wasn't going to do any better so I did what I've done in the past.. I went out, I drank and ignored my personal life falling apart. I was throwing myself into my work and when I would come home I would reside to a quite anger that smoldered. He wound up being fired from a job and coming back to the place we'd met and was doing "better".. but at this time I'd moved out of the apartment we shared with another person and I was growing more distant as time moved on. When I came home from Arizona in November and my apartment was messy as all get out, I decided to give up. I gave up and then thought about not giving up -stubborn Acacia!- and then he came to the house I was dog sitting at, after a fresh snow, and accused me (then ex girlfriend) of having someone else over and he knew because of the boot prints he saw and didn't recognize. Holy. Crap. Stalker type behavior. That was the day that I really realized that his behavior over the last few months was wrong on a lot of levels. I'm not saying that mine was correct, I kept someone around just to have someone and that's not fair to them. It took me a long time to get him out of my place and when I came back my apartment was destroyed, things were missing/stolen and I came to the conclusion -after a long weekend of cleaning- that this was a small price to pay. My posting this is not to gain sympathy, but to have this written down and out. It's therapeutic to get things off of my chest and have it out in the world. My only advice would be to really, really care about yourself and do not settle! 

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