Thursday, June 18, 2015

No Tribe

I remember when I was 12 and starting the 7th grade? If you're anything like me you had to go to a whole new school -holler to AZ being one of the only places that puts 7-8th in its own school- and I was nervous. The night before my first day I mapped out the bus route, both of them, and I put on the new outfit my mom bought and showed up extra early so that I wouldn't miss anything. 

I walked off the bus and into the courtyard and saw hundreds of people I didn't know and some you did. I immediately latched to my big brothers group of friends and quickly realized that these guys think I'm Keelan's dumb little sister, and I do not belong. 

I had no tribe and I would never really have one. I am a loner-extrovert, the girl who can be the center of attention but stand on the outside, never getting close to anyone. 

I found friends, don't get me wrong, and I still talk to a few of them.. but we aren't close. These people can tell you my first and last name.. possibly my birthday and that I like dinosaurs.. but they don't know the nitty gritty. I knew from a very young age that you do not let people close because people can hurt you and it's better to be lonely than hurt. 

Now that I'm in my mid twenties the ramifications of not ever having a tribe, a group of people I could count on, has hit home. Not only have I distanced myself emotionally, but physically. I don't live near anyone I know and when I want or need to talk to someone.. I have to either wait until the weekend to call my dad or try and reach out to one of my siblings. The ones I'm not close to and who I just don't feel I can bare my soul to, or ask to pray with me, they aren't that kind of people. 

So here I am, 26 and no tribe. While most of my friends are busy finishing up grad school, starting families and planning weddings I'm in this weird middle ground of not those things. 

But I want a change. I want a tribe, or a friend here, that I can call on and vice versa. I want friends who serve each other as God calls us to and who want to have lunch or coffee, not just take pictures of their kids. These are the things I look forward to most as I creep ever closer to 27 and further away from those I grew up with. So I'm trusting God with this, I'm making the efforts that I've been called to and hope to meet my BFF4LYFE (I had to) on this journey.

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