Oh.. this ones hard

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to write out what I want to say.. That I'll never be able to explain the things going on in my life, my head or my heart. 

When I was a kid.. I was kind of just there, I had the "awakening" moment and then drifted by. I was nothing special, I felt more like a burden.. abandoned and left at the mercy of the world. I was different and I knew it, but I didn't know why. 

This last Sunday we were talking about the power of prayer at church, and as the last few weeks have, it was just pulling on my heart.. the guest pastor asked if we had anything we wanted to have prayed over to go ahead and meet them at the back of the auditorium... and I went back there with this man and his wife whose pregnant.. and said the worst thing in the world that I could possibly say. 

"When I was 15, my mom told me I should've been an abortion.. and when I confronted her about this, about all the things she's said and done and just.. never said anything more about she stood by her comment" 

I've talked about this a few times to people, trying to figure out why someone would say that about a child.. about their fourth child and wouldn't think the same for their other children. To say I was tearing up, that the pastor and his wife were tearing up.. understatement. I've tried to come to terms with this over the years, and last week when this all came to a head..  I sat and prayed.. I talked to A and let go. I finally felt okay, that a burden had been lifted from my chest and that I am able to move on.. that I am able to finally become whoever I am meant to be. There is a season that I'm in and learning, I am just becoming better than I ever thought I would. 

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. -Psalm 139:14 

All I can say for you moms, for you ladies whoever want to be moms, if there is ever a moment in your pregnancy or your child's life that you think "I don't want you" or that you can't have them... adoption is a beautiful thing, and there are so many people who want a child who don't have the ability to have one or want to give someone a beautiful life. I'm not saying that I should've been adopted, but I can say that those words have stayed with me since I was 15, and it has taken this long to finally be okay and move on.. and unfortunately, my mother wont be in my future. 

Think before speaking.