Tuesday, July 24, 2012

missing you

Hasn't gotten any easier over the last three years.. in fact.. just when I thought it had, we hit the 50 day mark and I realize after a skype -the third one in 50 days- call that I'm not immune and my heart hurts badly. 
When this deployment started things seemed weird, I could go about my regular schedule and sort of continue on the same sleep pattern. I missed you, but the gut wrenching feeling was gone, I know this is our last "forced" deployment.. any others will be by volunteer.. granted only if you make this new job. I had Bru, my days are full and if anything I can't find the time to sit and actually write you a decent letter. Then tonight.. I'm sitting here talking on twitter to some awesome ladies, getting my hopes up to see your face and you say those dreaded words "comms blackout" on email and I just.. feel empty, my heart sinks and I'm sad. I truly thought I'd see your face! But thank whoever decided to hold off, because for 30 minutes I could stare at your blue eyes and only make jokes and talk about training options for Bru, it was like you were here... and then you had to go to work and we had to say bye. No matter how silly we were, how serious or anything, goodbyes suck. I find myself sitting at the computer being talked at by our puppy and just wishing that you were here.. that you weren't there and that we could actually live our lives without some interruption from the military. I wish you'd gotten out at times like this, I wish we'd moved to Oregon and just.. been normal. 

Everyday you're gone is one more day I add onto the list of things I want back.. things that I wont get back. Anniversaries, birthdays and kisses. The laughter that used to fill our home and chaos, this stuff is all gone, every time you leave.. and despite my sunny disposition, I can't help but be jealous of every person who doesn't deal with this and gets to lay next to their loved one every night... but jealousy is bad and I'm not about to be petty. 
I love you, A. 

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