i see you

You, the girl who puts on a tough exterior that says "I'm going to do what I want, damned be the consequences". The one who goes out drinking because having fun sober is for the birds, and I also see the one who wakes up next to a stranger and has very little to no recollection of what actually happened the night before. 

I see that hopeful look on your face when he walks in the room, he talks about his accomplishments, his life, his dreams.. but barely remembers your name. You crawl into bed with him, hoping that this will be it.. this is the time that changes everything and he'll rescue you from the mundane that is your life.. but the next night he's talking to someone else, probably to ten other girls.. and I see that pain in your heart. 

You drink that away and throw inhibitions to the wind.. you wake up again, with someone you barely know. Your family notices, your friends notice, but you don't care.. you're young and this is what being young is all about. You sit in your room on a rainy day and think about how you got where you are and why you feel so alone. You don't realize that all of those lustful nights were you giving away small pieces of yourself and you thought it was no strings attached. 

I see you, because I've been you. 

I want you to know that you aren't alone and that this season passes, but leaves you scarred and feeling like the pieces will never fit back together. Its a really crappy time in your life and you'll be going through the motions until one day it hits you; I'm not in this alone. 

It will hit you randomly, but hard, and you'll slowly stop trying to rely on yourself and try to trust in God, but you're stubborn. You'll relapse and try and do it on your own again and at first it'll feel great, but then you'll feel weary and your heart will be heavy and when you're there He'll pick you up. 

This will go on for a long time, in fact it'll go on until you finally just say the words out loud; 

God, I cannot do this on my own. I need You.  

And that will be the moment you start healing and your life really does turn around. Your scars start to fade and the pieces are slowly sewn together. You finally realize that your life isn't about what you did, but what you'll do for Him and in His name.  

Wanderlust, you tricky siren.

It's winter, like the official winter where you can't go outside because in 5 minutes you can get windburn/frostbite and that sucks. All the while I'm looking at Instagrams of my friends in the west. Ocean, trees and mountains and all I feel is homesick. My heart hurts and I miss the smell of the rain mixed with the salt air, the smell of trees in the desert and how wonderful the sun looks breeching over a mountain scene. 

I love my life and my job here, I have found in North Dakota the home I'd been searching for since I became an adult.. but that doesn't stop me from missing the places I knew. It makes me crave a change and look at unemployment rates in other states, to look at Eric and suggest we move. But then we talk and it's clear we want our own land, our own piece of heaven and to create a life here. Maybe not Grand Forks, but in North Dakota, and a home filled with the pitter patter of feet, either dogs or children. I'd like to approach the subject of chickens and rabbits someday. 

That's why wanderlust is a tricky siren... 

She calls to me, saying to come back and live in the wonderful northwest again.. she calls me to her rocks, where I will surely be broken. The west, while wonderful, holds some of the worst memories of my life. I spent a good amount of my time there trying to mend my brokenness with alcohol, dancing and late night trips to Taco Bell with friends saying "I'll never do that again" till I did the next week. 

My sin was big there, overwhelming. There was many a Sunday you could see the night before in my eyes and that I broke down crying because I desperately needed Jesus, but clung to the world. I miss the memories and the wilderness, the only church I ever called home and a few select humans that made my life better. So while I still miss my northwest home, I will cling to the promises of a better day, just around the bend and suffer through my wanderlust longings for another winter.. until spring comes and I can see the vast prairie come back to life.