sometimes its hard...

Words are permanent and I have an unimaginable memory for words said to me.  I can remember when my best friend asked me to be in her wedding.. her exact words, as I went assuming I was shooting the wedding she looked at me and said "I don't want you to be my photographer, I want you to be my maid of honor"  I cried.  Call it my obsession with song lyrics for the reason I'm able to remember.. or the fact that I just take things and internalize them -I'm kind of messed up- or just that I am elephant like... (memory, I'm not an elephant) 
Its hard for me to sit down and write on a blog when I feel like I'm not being honest.. I feel like of all the things I've been, honest has been the #1 thing.. I hate keeping people in the dark.. but the minute I write the words down, its permanent.  No going back. No fool me once's.. no second chances.  The bad thing about me is that I'm fiercely loyal, to myself.. to my God, friends and family.. and that loyalty has been what's been keeping me so silent.. but when the silence is broken, well, its broken forever. Then I can heal, then I can move forward and I can -like I have been- see the good an the extremely bad. I'm not blind.  I'm just choosing not to see. I'm choosing to put myself on the back burner for the benefit of someone else and I am doing this out of love.. as idiotic as that sounds.