Unsteady Ground

Our church is doing an area on Journey's which we're going through the book of John..

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This series couldn't have come at a better time. I'm going through a new season, I'm feeling my heart torn into multiple different ways.. and as much as I want to be with Jesus I see myself clinging to what is here, what I can physically grasp to. 

I am working towards letting go. 

I'm working on having nothing: Jesus+Nothing=Everything 

I am scared of moving, to be completely honest I'm scared of how A and I will turn out. I find myself praying for us daily, I find myself thrown into a state of depression which becomes scarily clear to those around me before myself. 

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I'm on unsteady ground. I am not sure where my future will lead, but I am sure that I'm starting to cling more to my Father than to anything else.. which in itself is scary. 

I am looking at getting that tattoo, I was thinking about how my pastors wife said "YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE!" and that verse makes me feel like I'm not, I was not and HE LOVES ME! 

I have a torn life right now, and I'd appreciate prayers for it.. 

Memorial Day

Property of Riann Photography - no watermark out of respect, but please respect the image.

While everyone is enjoying their BBQs and long weekends -I am enjoying mine- we need to have have a moment of silence. In the picture above is Trevor Pinnick who passed away June 12, 2012 that little girl is his daughter and that little girls mother is a great lady who is so incredibly strong. He passed away before his baby turned two, before he could come home one last time and before his wife could say she loved him again over a sat phone or an infamous skype call. Like I've said in the past, being able to take their family pictures was amazing, having them in my life has been amazing, but his sacrifice should and has to be remembered today.

This holiday.. I don't even like calling it a holiday, is very close to my heart. This day makes me remember those who've passed before by giving their sacrifice to this amazing country. 

I just want to take a moment, not to just remember those sacrifices, but also to thank every single service member. 

Thank you. 

All gave some. Some gave all. 

Hug your airman, soldier, marine, sailor, grandparent, husband or just anyone who has served or has lost someone whose served. 

-Acacia 

Oh.. this ones hard

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to write out what I want to say.. That I'll never be able to explain the things going on in my life, my head or my heart. 

When I was a kid.. I was kind of just there, I had the "awakening" moment and then drifted by. I was nothing special, I felt more like a burden.. abandoned and left at the mercy of the world. I was different and I knew it, but I didn't know why. 

This last Sunday we were talking about the power of prayer at church, and as the last few weeks have, it was just pulling on my heart.. the guest pastor asked if we had anything we wanted to have prayed over to go ahead and meet them at the back of the auditorium... and I went back there with this man and his wife whose pregnant.. and said the worst thing in the world that I could possibly say. 

"When I was 15, my mom told me I should've been an abortion.. and when I confronted her about this, about all the things she's said and done and just.. never said anything more about she stood by her comment" 

I've talked about this a few times to people, trying to figure out why someone would say that about a child.. about their fourth child and wouldn't think the same for their other children. To say I was tearing up, that the pastor and his wife were tearing up.. understatement. I've tried to come to terms with this over the years, and last week when this all came to a head..  I sat and prayed.. I talked to A and let go. I finally felt okay, that a burden had been lifted from my chest and that I am able to move on.. that I am able to finally become whoever I am meant to be. There is a season that I'm in and learning, I am just becoming better than I ever thought I would. 

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. -Psalm 139:14 

All I can say for you moms, for you ladies whoever want to be moms, if there is ever a moment in your pregnancy or your child's life that you think "I don't want you" or that you can't have them... adoption is a beautiful thing, and there are so many people who want a child who don't have the ability to have one or want to give someone a beautiful life. I'm not saying that I should've been adopted, but I can say that those words have stayed with me since I was 15, and it has taken this long to finally be okay and move on.. and unfortunately, my mother wont be in my future. 

Think before speaking.