i see you

You, the girl who puts on a tough exterior that says "I'm going to do what I want, damned be the consequences". The one who goes out drinking because having fun sober is for the birds, and I also see the one who wakes up next to a stranger and has very little to no recollection of what actually happened the night before. 

I see that hopeful look on your face when he walks in the room, he talks about his accomplishments, his life, his dreams.. but barely remembers your name. You crawl into bed with him, hoping that this will be it.. this is the time that changes everything and he'll rescue you from the mundane that is your life.. but the next night he's talking to someone else, probably to ten other girls.. and I see that pain in your heart. 

You drink that away and throw inhibitions to the wind.. you wake up again, with someone you barely know. Your family notices, your friends notice, but you don't care.. you're young and this is what being young is all about. You sit in your room on a rainy day and think about how you got where you are and why you feel so alone. You don't realize that all of those lustful nights were you giving away small pieces of yourself and you thought it was no strings attached. 

I see you, because I've been you. 

I want you to know that you aren't alone and that this season passes, but leaves you scarred and feeling like the pieces will never fit back together. Its a really crappy time in your life and you'll be going through the motions until one day it hits you; I'm not in this alone. 

It will hit you randomly, but hard, and you'll slowly stop trying to rely on yourself and try to trust in God, but you're stubborn. You'll relapse and try and do it on your own again and at first it'll feel great, but then you'll feel weary and your heart will be heavy and when you're there He'll pick you up. 

This will go on for a long time, in fact it'll go on until you finally just say the words out loud; 

God, I cannot do this on my own. I need You.  

And that will be the moment you start healing and your life really does turn around. Your scars start to fade and the pieces are slowly sewn together. You finally realize that your life isn't about what you did, but what you'll do for Him and in His name.  

Word Of The Year

I always feel late to the party with this trend, but I also feel like waiting, praying and being totally conscious of what I need in life is pretty important and not to rush things - yeah, I'm still okay with rushing some things, like the decision to eat tacos for dinner. 

Last year my word was Trust.
Trust God, people, life and all of the experiences I was having and to just let it go and trust that it would be okay. I'm not saying that it was all hunky dory, last year was full of challenges that I hadn't experienced and some that I'd been waiting too long to fix. What I did last year by trusting helped me realize that I don't always need to fear the future or that somethings going to go wrong. That goes against every fiber of my being. Things go wrong, life can be too good to be true and it can all come crashing down, but I was able to trust that God had me.. that Eric wasn't going to up and change his mind about me and that even the crap I was wading through was worth it.

This year started with me signing off of Facebook and just saying "nope" to constantly being connected. It has thrown a few wrenches in my way, did you know how many people rely on fb to communicate? It's kind of gross. With all of that I really started thinking about signing off completely, but rather than doing that, I'm setting my phone aside. I'm spending my phone time during nap time, breaks and after Eric has gone to work -I struggle with this one.

So is my word unplug. Not in a going off the grid way, at least not yet, but in the way that I need and want to spend more time with my family, God and in the quiet. I keep looking at kids constantly connected and I can remember when that wasn't possible.. when you hung out, under a tree, reading books or playing games. So that's what I'm gonna try and do, I'll unplug for the night and for the weekend and I'll come back with memories that don't include massive updates on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.. though I might have some of those this year.

What are your words and how do you plan to put them into action?