who I want to be

I want to be that woman, yes woman, who you look at and say "look at her go, Ms. got everything together" but lets face it.. it'll never happen. I'm okay with this. 

I want to be an amazing photographer.

I want to ROCK my new job so hard that I get promoted in three months! 

I want to be more Godly, I want to live through Him and His word.. and I fail all the time. 

I want to be more positive. 

I want to be a professional

mother

lover

wife

girlfriend

friend

best friend

sister

daughter

I want to be all of these things, because all of these things mean something to me.

I want to be the kind of person that my parents would be proud of, God would shine down on and my (someday) children can look back and say "that's my mom, she's rad" cause my kids will say rad.

In the end... I'll be myself, I'll become this woman and in the end I'll have so many other women to thank for becoming the person I have/will become. 

This is random, but I found out that Jen Burgess -photographer- passed away from her fight with ovarian cancer this morning, this wonderful and compassionate mother, wife, daughter and follower of Christ... I read her blog once -beginning to end- and was just put in awe at the kind of woman she is was.. all I can think is that I will someday be woman like herself. With her strength and the beauty she saw the world, even in the wake her diagnosis. 

I want to be like her.. and I can say this about many, many women in my life. Thank you. 

a little lump

So its October, YAY! We -women, and most everyone- knows what October & October is breast cancer awareness month. Around the beginning of September I had a genius idea to get a physical which is pretty important to do as a woman and you know.. I hate needles, doctors and all things that involve a pelvic exam. 

Via

Well during this exam I was talking to my doctor about the boob history of my family, and this is all while she was giving my boobs a feel.. when she goes "you know there's a lump in your left breast" and I am fairly sure that my response was to have the color drain from my face and say "no" literally one of the scariest things to hear at 24 years of age. The mood of the room is quickly changed from laughter to seriousness, words like "tests, breast cancer and lymph node" are thrown out as well as "immediately/concerning" my doctor was worried, which worried me. Literally after 10 minutes of me sitting there thinking that I am an idiot for not checking my own boobs, and running across the hall to make an appointment for the following week I was able to go sit in my car and just have a moment of freak out.

I informed those closest to me, I figured it was important.. A my dad and grandma, the people who know me best. I kept the majority of it under wraps and felt that it was probably a good thing. I missed my first appointment and I was angry as all get out! I think part of that situation led to me being let go, but to be honest.. my boss was extremely inconsiderate and I am not at all against putting this out there. I felt like she didn't respect me enough to ensure my health was a priority to her, I was literally let go that following Sunday and my new appt was on that Tuesday. 

I showed up, nervous, and laid down as they ultra-sounded my boob, yup cause at my age mammograms have a tendency to be only used after an ultrasound has discovered something of concern.

My lump was cause by excess tissue (big boobs) cause fluid to become trapped.. it would break down eventually... and I was so, so thankful for my ultrasound tech Chicken (she told me to call her it) who was very calming and reassuring to me during the whole appointment. 

I wont lie to you, its scary to think that I didn't even know I had a lump in my breast.. we are told every year to examine ourselves, to pay attention and to see our doctor if we felt something. I didn't examine myself, I can say I have since this experience, but it is hard to remember. The biggest thing I've taken out of this is that early detection is key, doctors reiterated this to me before and after knowing the results of my test... take a moment and feel your boobs, get to know them so you know what feels out of the ordinary. Sharing this part of my life is only here to remind you others who are in your twenties that it IS possible for us to get breast cancer and we should start listening to our doctors when they say to self exam! 

- Acacia